School Refusal and Bullying: When Your Child Won’t Go to School

“I don’t want to go to school.” Four simple words that can send a parent’s heart racing. When your child—who once bounded out of bed for school—suddenly refuses to go, resists every morning, or melts down at the school gates, something serious is happening. In many cases, that “something” is bullying.

Like Jack in “Outnumbered,” who was scared and miserable after being targeted by bullies, many children would rather face any consequence than return to a place where they feel unsafe, humiliated, or powerless. Understanding the connection between bullying and school refusal—and knowing how to respond—can make the difference between a child who overcomes this challenge and one whose education and wellbeing are derailed.

Understanding School Refusal

What Is School Refusal?

School refusal (also called school avoidance or school phobia) is when a child:

Refuses to attend school
Has extreme difficulty remaining at school for a full day
Displays severe emotional distress at the prospect of going to school
Misses significant school time due to these difficulties

Key distinction: This is different from truancy. Truant children hide their absence from parents and show no distress. Children with school refusal are openly distressed, and parents are aware of the problem.

Prevalence and Impact

Affects 2-5% of school-age children
Peaks during transition periods (starting kindergarten, middle school, high school)
Can affect children of any age, but is most common at ages 5-7 and 11-14
Girls and boys are equally affected
Often occurs after periods of legitimate absence (illness, vacation, school breaks)

Long-Term Consequences If Unaddressed

School refusal can lead to:

Academic decline and falling behind
Grade retention or dropout
Social isolation and friendship loss
Family stress and conflict
Development of anxiety disorders
Depression
Difficulty with future transitions
Long-term employment challenges

Early intervention is crucial.

The Bullying Connection

While school refusal has many possible causes (separation anxiety, social anxiety, learning difficulties, depression), bullying is one of the most common triggers.

How Bullying Leads to School Refusal

1. Fear for physical safety “The older kids wait for me by the lockers. I can’t go back there.”

2. Anticipatory anxiety Constant worry about when the next incident will occur creates overwhelming dread.

3. Loss of safe spaces When bathrooms, buses, hallways, and cafeterias all feel dangerous, school becomes unbearable.

4. Public humiliation After being humiliated in front of peers, facing those witnesses daily feels impossible.

5. Lack of trust in adults If previous reports were dismissed or ineffective, the child feels trapped and helpless.

6. Exhaustion from hypervigilance Constantly scanning for threats and trying to avoid bullies is mentally and physically draining.

7. Somatic symptoms Anxiety manifests physically (stomachaches, headaches, nausea), making school feel literally sickening.

Red Flags That Bullying Is Involved

Strong indicators:

School refusal started suddenly after a specific incident
Child mentions specific students or locations they want to avoid
Fear is focused on social situations (lunch, recess, bus) rather than academics
Physical signs of bullying (unexplained injuries, damaged belongings)
Changed friend group or social isolation
Anxiety spikes on school nights but not weekends
Willingness to do schoolwork but not attend school

What they might say:

“Everyone hates me”
“No one will sit with me at lunch”
“I can’t use the bathroom at school” (avoiding certain locations)
“The bus is the worst part” (unsupervised setting)
“I don’t feel safe there”
“You don’t understand what it’s like”

Other Causes of School Refusal

Before assuming bullying, consider other possibilities:

Anxiety-Based

Separation anxiety: Fear of being away from parents (common in younger children) Social anxiety: Fear of judgment, speaking in class, social situations Generalized anxiety: Worry about multiple aspects of school Panic disorder: Fear of having panic attacks at school

Academic-Based

Learning disabilities: Undiagnosed or unsupported learning challenges Perfectionism: Fear of making mistakes or failing Excessive pressure: Overwhelming academic demands

Mood-Based

Depression: Loss of interest, fatigue, hopelessness Trauma: PTSD from past events affecting ability to function

Environmental

Family stress: Parental conflict, divorce, illness, death Major life changes: Moving, changing schools, new siblings

Medical

Chronic illness: Real health issues making attendance difficult Psychosomatic symptoms: Real physical symptoms from psychological causes

Often multiple factors interact: A child with underlying anxiety becomes a target for bullying, which exacerbates the anxiety and creates school refusal.

Immediate Response: The First Morning They Refuse

Stay Calm (Even Though You’re Panicking)

Your anxiety will heighten theirs. Take deep breaths and respond with:

Calm voice
Confident demeanor
Empathy but firmness

Gather Information Without Interrogation

Ask open-ended questions:

“Tell me what’s making school feel hard right now.”
“When you think about going to school, what worries you most?”
“Did something happen yesterday/this week?”
“Is there a particular part of the day that’s hardest?”

Listen carefully for:

Specific names, places, or times mentioned
Changes in language (“I used to like recess but now…”)
What they’re avoiding vs. what they miss
Emotional intensity around certain topics

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Validate without excusing avoidance: “I hear that school feels really hard right now. That sounds scary/frustrating/overwhelming. Let’s figure out what’s going on and how to make it better. But staying home isn’t the answer.”

Don’t:

Dismiss: “You’re fine, just go to school”
Shame: “Don’t be a baby”
Bribe: “If you go, I’ll buy you…”
Give in: “Okay, you can stay home today”

Set Clear Expectations

“I understand you’re struggling, and we’re going to work on this together. But you need to go to school. It’s my job as your parent to help you do that safely.”

For severe distress on the first day: Consider taking them to school late, staying with them briefly, or arranging for them to spend time in the counselor’s office. The goal is getting them there, even if it’s not a full, normal day.

Investigation: Determining If Bullying Is the Cause

Talk to Your Child

Choose the right time and place:

Private, comfortable setting
Not rushed
When they’re calm (not in the morning crisis)
Perhaps during a car ride (easier without eye contact)

Effective questions:

“Can you walk me through a typical school day?”
“Who do you eat lunch with? Sit with on the bus?”
“Are there any kids who are mean to you or others?”
“Have you seen anyone being bullied?”
“Are there places at school you try to avoid? Why?”
“If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?”

If they disclose bullying: Read our guide on signs your child is being bullied for next steps.

Contact the School

Request an urgent meeting with:

Classroom teacher
School counselor
Assistant principal or principal
Any other relevant staff (bus driver, lunch monitor)

Come prepared with:

Documentation of refusal (dates, symptoms, what your child has said)
Specific questions about your child’s social interactions
Questions about recent incidents or changes
Request for their observations

Ask specifically:

“Have you noticed any changes in [child’s name]‘s behavior?”
“How are their peer relationships?”
“Have there been any incidents involving other students?”
“Where do they typically spend lunch and recess?”
“Have they reported any problems?”

Observe and Document

Keep a detailed log:

Dates and times of refusal
Specific symptoms (physical, emotional, behavioral)
What your child says
Any patterns (worse on certain days, after specific events)
Physical evidence (torn clothing, “lost” belongings)

Consider Professional Assessment

If the cause is unclear, consider consulting:

Pediatrician: Rule out medical causes; assess anxiety/depression
Child psychologist: Evaluate for anxiety disorders, trauma
Educational specialist: Assess for learning disabilities

Short-Term Strategies: Getting Through the Next Few Weeks

Work With the School on Immediate Safety

If bullying is confirmed:

Require the school to:

Implement immediate supervision in problem areas
Adjust your child’s schedule (different lunch period, bus, routes)
Provide a “safe person” your child can go to anytime
Address the bullies (consequences, monitoring, intervention)
Develop a safety plan with your child’s input
Schedule daily check-ins
Implement their anti-bullying policy

Put everything in writing: Email summaries of meetings, document promises made.

Create a Modified Schedule

If full days are too overwhelming:

Start with partial days (attend morning only)
Gradually increase time
Allow breaks in counselor’s office
Excuse from most triggering parts initially (cafeteria, gym)
Create a “signal” for when they need a break

Goal: Keep them connected to school while addressing underlying issues.

Establish Morning Routines

The night before:

Lay out clothes
Pack backpack together
Review the plan for tomorrow
Use relaxation techniques before bed
Ensure adequate sleep

Morning routine:

Wake up with plenty of time (rushing increases anxiety)
Consistent sequence of events
Healthy breakfast
Calming music or conversation
Avoid negotiating or discussing whether they’ll go

At school:

Walk them in initially if needed
Brief transition (long goodbyes increase anxiety)
Hand off to trusted adult
Consistent departure routine

During the School Day

Scheduled check-ins:

Quick text or call from school counselor
Planned visit to safe adult
Written schedule so they know what to expect

Safe spaces:

Library during lunch
Counselor’s office during breaks
Teacher’s room before/after school

Communication plan:

Code words for emergencies (“I need help now” vs. “I’m struggling but okay”)
Permission to text you in true emergencies
Clear process for when they need to leave a situation

After School

Debrief without pressure: “How did today go?”

If they went: Celebrate success regardless of how it went “You did it! You went to school even though it was hard. That took courage.”

If they struggled: Problem-solve together “What was the hardest part? What might help tomorrow?”

If they refused: Stay calm and plan for tomorrow “Tomorrow we’re going to try again. Let’s think about what might make it easier.”

Long-Term Solutions: Addressing the Root Cause

If Bullying Is the Cause

Multi-pronged approach:

School intervention: Ensure thorough implementation of anti-bullying policies
Therapy for your child: Process trauma, build coping skills, rebuild confidence
Social support: Help them build/maintain friendships
Skills training: Assertiveness, upstander behavior, responses to bullies
Family therapy: If family stress is compounding issues
Ongoing monitoring: Regular check-ins with school

Read our comprehensive guide on building confidence after bullying

If Anxiety Is the Primary Cause

Evidence-based treatment:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):

Identify anxious thoughts
Challenge distorted thinking
Develop coping strategies
Gradual exposure to feared situations

Exposure therapy:

Systematic desensitization
Start with least scary aspects
Gradually increase exposure
Celebrate small victories

Medication (if appropriate):

For severe anxiety when therapy alone isn’t sufficient
SSRIs are most common
Always combined with therapy
Close monitoring required

School-based support:

504 plan or IEP if anxiety is significantly impacting education
Accommodations (extra time, safe spaces, modified attendance initially)

If Academic Issues Are the Cause

Assessment and support:

Comprehensive educational testing
IEP or 504 plan if learning disability confirmed
Tutoring or academic support
Reduced workload temporarily
Different teaching approaches

Collaboration Between Home and School

Regular communication:

Weekly meetings initially
Shared goal-setting
Consistent approach across settings
Celebration of progress
Quick adjustments when needed

Ensure school has:

Clear understanding of the issue
Written plan for support
Designated point person
Process for daily updates
Agreement on how to handle refusal

When School Changes Are Necessary

Sometimes, despite best efforts, the current school isn’t safe or supportive:

Consider Changing Schools If:

Bullying continues despite interventions
School is unresponsive or dismissive
Your child’s safety is at risk
The environment has become toxic
Too many negative associations to overcome
Peer relationships are irreparably damaged

Options to Explore:

Within the district:

Transfer to different school
Change to different classroom/teacher
Alternative programs (smaller setting, specialized)

Outside district:

Private school
Charter school
Magnet school

Alternative education:

Homeschooling (temporarily or long-term)
Online school
Hybrid programs

Important: A fresh start can help, but ensure underlying issues (anxiety, social skills) are addressed so patterns don’t repeat.

When to Seek Emergency Help

Get immediate professional help if your child:

Expresses suicidal thoughts or self-harm
Shows signs of severe depression (not eating, sleeping all day, hopelessness)
Has panic attacks that don’t respond to calming techniques
Becomes aggressive or violent
Shows signs of trauma (flashbacks, extreme fear responses)
Completely shuts down (stops communicating, won’t get out of bed)

Resources:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Emergency room for immediate psychiatric evaluation
Mobile crisis team (available in many areas)

What NOT to Do

Don’t Force Them to “Tough It Out”

Dismissing their distress or forcing them to endure bullying without support causes:

Deterioration of trust in you
Worsening mental health
Message that their safety doesn’t matter
Long-term trauma

Don’t Allow Indefinite Absence

Every day missed:

Makes return harder
Increases academic gaps
Reinforces avoidance
Isolates from peers
Teaches that avoidance works

Don’t Go to War With the School (Yet)

Start collaborative. Aggressive confrontation should be last resort:

Document everything first
Try working together
Escalate gradually (teacher → principal → superintendent → school board)
Save lawyer for when cooperation fails

Don’t Blame Your Child

School refusal is not:

Manipulation
Laziness
Weakness
Your child’s fault

It’s a symptom of real distress that requires support, not punishment.

Don’t Ignore Your Own Needs

Dealing with school refusal is exhausting:

Seek support (therapist, friends, support groups)
Practice self-care
Don’t let it consume your entire life
Consider family therapy

Recovery and Return: Success Stories

Recovery is possible and common with appropriate intervention.

What Success Looks Like

Recovery isn’t always linear. Celebrate:

Attending even when anxious
Fewer physical symptoms
Using coping strategies
Asking for help appropriately
Slight increase in comfort level
Making it through difficult situations
Re-engaging with activities they’d withdrawn from

Timeline

Typical trajectory with intervention:

Week 1-2: Crisis management, investigation, immediate safety measures
Week 3-4: Modified attendance, skill-building, therapy begins
Month 2-3: Gradually increasing attendance and comfort
Month 3-6: Approaching normal attendance with ongoing support
Month 6-12: Maintaining gains, reducing supports gradually

Some children recover faster, others take longer. Stay patient and consistent.

Prevention: Reducing Risk of School Refusal

Build Strong School Connection Early

Positive relationships with teachers
Participation in activities
Friend groups
Sense of belonging

Foster Resilience

Teach coping skills:

Problem-solving
Emotional regulation
Stress management
Help-seeking

Read our guide on building emotional resilience

Maintain Open Communication

Daily check-ins about school
Know their social landscape
Address problems early
Encourage open communication about bullying

Monitor Transitions

Extra support during:

School entry (kindergarten)
Changing schools
Moving to middle/high school
After extended absences

Address Anxiety Early

If your child shows anxious tendencies:

Teach coping skills young
Consider preventive therapy
Don’t avoid feared situations (work through them)
Model healthy anxiety management

FAQ: School Refusal and Bullying

Q: How do I know if they’re really being bullied or just don’t want to go to school? A: Trust your instincts and investigate thoroughly. Look for signs of bullying, talk to school, observe changes. Even if bullying isn’t the only factor, if your child reports it, take it seriously.

Q: What if the school says there’s no bullying but my child insists there is? A: Trust your child. Bullying is often invisible to adults. Request detailed investigation, talk to other parents, consider changing class/school if school is dismissive.

Q: How long should I allow modified attendance before requiring full days? A: Work with therapist and school, but typically aim for full return within 4-6 weeks. Every situation differs. The goal is gradual increase, not indefinite accommodation.

Q: Will homeschooling make it worse? A: Temporary homeschooling while addressing issues can be helpful. Long-term homeschooling works for some families but doesn’t teach the child to face anxiety. Weigh options carefully with professionals.

Q: What if I’ve tried everything and nothing works? A: Consider: Is it the right therapist? Right approach? Have all factors been addressed? Is intensive treatment (day program) needed? Is school change necessary? Don’t give up—escalate to more intensive interventions.

Conclusion: Your Child Can Return to School

School refusal is one of the most stressful situations parents face. Watching your child suffer while knowing education is critical feels impossible. But remember Jack in “Outnumbered”—he was terrified to go to school after being bullied. Yet with the right support (telling a trusted adult, having classmates stand with him), he not only returned but thrived.

Your child can too.

Key takeaways:

School refusal is a symptom, not the problem—address underlying causes
Bullying is a common trigger that requires immediate intervention
Balance empathy with firm expectations about attendance
Work collaboratively with school, but advocate fiercely if needed
Gradual return with support is usually most effective
Professional help (therapy) is often essential
Recovery is possible with appropriate intervention

Don’t wait, hoping it will resolve on its own. Every day of avoidance strengthens the pattern. Act now: investigate, intervene, support, and partner with professionals to get your child back to school safely.

Your child’s education, wellbeing, and future are worth fighting for. And with the right support, they can overcome this challenge and return to learning, growing, and thriving.

“Outnumbered” shows children that speaking up about their fears and getting support from trusted adults and friends can transform their experience. Read it with your child to reinforce that asking for help is brave and effective.

School Refusal and Bullying: When Your Child Won't Go to School