Bystander vs. Upstander: Teaching Kids to Stand Up Safely

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Bystander vs. Upstander: Teaching Kids to Stand Up Safely

In the story “Outnumbered,” Jack’s entire class transforms from bystanders—children who witnessed his bullying but did nothing—into upstanders who courageously stand together to protect him. This powerful shift is exactly what we need to teach our children: how to move from passively watching to actively helping.

Research shows that in 85% of bullying situations, bystanders are present. Yet interventions by peers are rare, occurring in only about 20% of incidents. When bystanders do intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds in more than half of cases. The question isn’t whether bystanders matter—it’s how we can empower more children to become upstanders.

Understanding the Bystander Effect

What Is a Bystander?

A bystander is someone who witnesses bullying but doesn’t take action. They might:

Important: Being a bystander doesn’t make a child bad. There are legitimate reasons children don’t intervene, and understanding these is key to helping them change.

Why Children Become Bystanders

Fear of Consequences:

Social Pressure:

Uncertainty:

Diffusion of Responsibility:

Lack of Skills:

Desensitization:

What Is an Upstander?

An upstander is someone who recognizes harmful behavior and takes safe action to address it. Upstanders:

Key distinction: Upstanders don’t have to be heroes who confront bullies directly. There are many safe ways to stand up for others.

The Impact of Upstanders

When children become upstanders:

For the victim:

For the upstander:

For the bully:

For the community:

Teaching Upstander Skills: The Three A’s

1. ACTION (During the Incident)

These strategies can be used while bullying is happening:

Direct but Safe Intervention

For confident kids or when the situation is mild:

“That’s not cool. Stop.” “We don’t treat people like that.” “Come on, leave them alone.” “That’s not funny.”

Teaching points:

Safety caveat: Only if the child feels safe and the power differential isn’t too great.

Distraction Techniques

Interrupt without confrontation:

“Hey, the teacher wants to see you.” “Did you see what just happened in the gym?” “Come help me with something over here.” [To the victim:] “We need a fourth person for our game, want to join?”

Why it works: Breaks the momentum of bullying without direct confrontation. Gives everyone an “out.”

Buddy System

Stand with the victim:

In “Outnumbered”: Jack’s classmates used this strategy brilliantly—they literally stood together, showing the bullies they were outnumbered.

Recruit Help

Get others involved:

The power of numbers: Research shows that when even one additional person joins an upstander, others are much more likely to join too.

2. ASSISTANCE (After the Incident)

Sometimes the safest response is helping after the fact:

Check In Privately

Offer support:

“Are you okay?” “That wasn’t fair what happened.” “I’m sorry that happened to you.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “That must have felt really bad.”

Why it matters: Even if a child couldn’t intervene during the incident, showing afterward that they care can dramatically reduce the victim’s feelings of isolation.

Invite Inclusion

Social support:

“Want to sit with me at lunch?” “Do you want to be on my team?” “We’re playing at recess; come join us.” “Want to walk to class together?”

Long-term impact: Consistent friendship and inclusion can protect against future bullying.

Encourage Reporting

Help them get adult support:

“You should tell a teacher. I’ll go with you if you want.” “My mom would help. Do you want to tell your parents?” “We could talk to the counselor together.”

Validate their experience: “What happened wasn’t okay, and it’s not your fault.”

3. ADVOCACY (Reporting to Adults)

Sometimes the most important action is getting adult help:

When to Report

Teach children to tell an adult when:

How to Report Effectively

Prepare children with a script:

“I need to tell you about something serious. [Name] is being bullied by [name/description]. This is what I saw: [specific behaviors]. It happened [when/where]. [Victim’s name] seems really upset/scared/hurt. Can you help?”

Key elements:

Reporting vs. Tattling

Help children understand the difference:

Tattling:

Reporting:

Phrase it this way: “Tattling is trying to get someone in trouble. Reporting is trying to get someone out of trouble.”

Age-Appropriate Upstander Training

Ages 4-6: Building Foundations

Concepts they can grasp:

Simple strategies:

Practice through:

Ages 7-9: Developing Skills

Concepts they can grasp:

Strategies to teach:

Practice through:

Ages 10+: Complex Situations

Concepts they can grasp:

Strategies to teach:

Practice through:

Role-Playing Scenarios for Practice

Practice builds confidence. Try these scenarios:

Scenario 1: Name-Calling

Setup: “You’re at recess and you hear a kid calling another kid mean names. What do you do?”

Practice responses:

Debrief: Discuss what felt comfortable, what was hard, what might work best.

Scenario 2: Physical Bullying

Setup: “Someone is pushing a smaller kid around near the lockers. What do you do?”

Practice responses:

Debrief: Emphasize safety first—physical situations often require adult help.

Scenario 3: Social Exclusion

Setup: “You’re at lunch and a group of kids won’t let someone sit at their table. What do you do?”

Practice responses:

Debrief: Discuss social courage and how inclusion feels.

Scenario 4: Cyberbullying

Setup: “You see a mean post about a classmate in a group chat. What do you do?”

Practice responses:

Debrief: Discuss how online bullying is permanent and requires adult help.

Scenario 5: Your Friend Is the Bully

Setup: “Your best friend is excluding and being mean to another kid. What do you do?”

Practice responses:

Debrief: This is one of the hardest situations. Discuss loyalty vs. ethics.

Digital Upstander Skills

With increasing online interaction, children need digital upstander strategies:

Don’t Amplify

Explain: “Every like and share makes it worse. Not participating is a form of standing up.”

Private Support

Report and Block

Public Support (When Safe)

Never Engage Directly with Cyberbullies

Overcoming Barriers to Becoming an Upstander

Barrier 1: “I’m Scared”

Address it: “Being scared is normal. Brave people feel scared too—they just act anyway. Let’s think of safe ways you can help without putting yourself at risk.”

Solutions:

Barrier 2: “No One Else Is Doing Anything”

Address it: “Someone has to be first. In ‘Outnumbered,’ once Jack’s classmates started standing up, everyone joined in. You could be the one who starts it.”

Solutions:

Barrier 3: “What If I Make It Worse?”

Address it: “That’s a smart thing to consider. Let’s think about what would help vs. what might escalate.”

Solutions:

Barrier 4: “I Don’t Know What to Say”

Address it: “Let’s practice exactly what you could say. Once you’ve practiced, it’ll feel easier.”

Solutions:

Barrier 5: “The Bully Is My Friend”

Address it: “That makes it really hard. Real friends don’t ask you to go along with hurting others. You can be a better friend by helping them make better choices.”

Solutions:

Creating an Upstander Culture at Home

Model Upstander Behavior

Children learn from watching you:

Celebrate Upstander Actions

When your child stands up for someone:

Example: “I heard you stood up for Maya when kids were teasing her. That took real courage. How did it feel? I bet it made a big difference to Maya.”

Make It Part of Family Conversations

Regular discussions normalize upstander behavior:

Prepare Them for Social Costs

Be honest that standing up sometimes has consequences:

But also affirm: “Doing the right thing isn’t always easy or popular. But it’s always worth it. And you’ll attract friends who share your values.”

School and Community Involvement

Upstander education works best when reinforced everywhere:

Partner with Schools

Create Peer Groups

Community Resources

FAQ: Bystander vs. Upstander

Q: What if my child tries to be an upstander and gets bullied themselves? A: This is a valid concern. Teach them to assess safety first and have multiple strategies beyond direct confrontation. If bullying does occur, immediately involve school administration and support your child through it. Many schools have policies protecting those who report.

Q: Should I make my child intervene even if they’re scared? A: Never force it. Fear can be protective. Instead, focus on building skills gradually, starting with low-risk strategies like checking in after incidents. Confidence grows with practice and success.

Q: What if the school punishes my child for standing up to a bully? A: Document everything and advocate strongly for your child. There’s a difference between defending yourself/others appropriately and fighting. If your child is being punished for reasonable upstander behavior, escalate to administration and potentially the school board.

Q: How do I know if my child is developmentally ready to be an upstander? A: Even very young children can show kindness and include others. Match expectations to age: 4-year-olds can tell adults, 10-year-olds can use more sophisticated strategies. Every child can do something.

Q: What if my child is being bullied themselves—can they still be an upstander? A: Focus first on helping them with their own situation. Once they’re in a better place, upstander skills can actually be empowering, helping them reclaim a sense of agency.

Conclusion: The Ripple Effect

When Jack’s classmates stood together in “Outnumbered,” they didn’t just help Jack—they transformed their entire classroom culture. That’s the power of upstanders: one person standing up inspires another, and another, until the entire community changes.

Your child has the power to be that first person. By teaching them the difference between bystanders and upstanders, giving them concrete strategies, and supporting them as they practice, you’re not just protecting potential victims—you’re raising a generation that refuses to tolerate bullying.

Remember:

Start the conversation today. Read “Outnumbered” together and discuss how Jack’s classmates became upstanders. Ask your child: “What would you do?” And then equip them with the skills and confidence to do it.

Because in the end, bystanders allow bullying to continue. But upstanders? Upstanders change everything.

Looking for a story to inspire upstander behavior? Read “Outnumbered” with your child—a powerful example of how standing together can defeat bullying and transform a community.

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